In a shocking twist Democratic National Committee Chair Tom Perez issued a statement earlier today expressing his relief that the Kentucky Diner Hostage situation came to a peaceful conclusion, reassuring that the man seen in the Democrat Response to President Donald Trump’s State of the Union was not, in fact, former Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear.
“Needless to say we are the Party of the future. We would never put on a 72 year-old career politician retired Governor with his career behind him to address the our base.” The statement read. “We were forced to yield our time in order to de-escalate a potentially dangerous situation. The man in front of the camera was clearly not Governor Beshear, as anyone could clearly see. He was, rather, an alien from a far distant galaxy who had come in search of affordable healthcare.”
Stating that they had initially planned to highlight some of the more charismatic rising star of the Party, scheduling conflicts prevented Walter Mondale or Michael Dukakis from being able to present the Democratic rebuttal to the President’s speech. Confronted with the option of putting on option of putting on a re-run of Matlock, America’s most beloved Democrat, the DNC decided to take a drastic and unprecedented step.
“The idea to allow this alien to address voters was a hasty, last minute choice, but it should demonstrate how far the Democratic Party will go to keep the American people safe.” Perez declared in an exclusive CNN interview. “We are willing to look awkward, uncomfortable, old, out of touch and even sometimes confused to keep the American people safe. After all we, in the Democratic Party, may be Republicans and we may be Democrats but we are still Americans… well except for… you know…”
It isn’t the first time the Democratic Party has confused the American people using doppelgangers as stand-ins. In the 2004 General Election many voters were left scratching their heads when the party nominated then Massachusetts Senator John Kerry for President only to replace him with an exact duplicate with deeply contrasting positions.
“Needless to say, we at the DNC are deeply relieved that the hostage situation ended without incident. Still, I should say that had this situation not arisen, we would have delivered an amazing response that would have secured both the Senate and the House for us in 2018, and the White House in 2020.” Perez would go on to say. When pressed for further details he would simply say, “I guess you’ll just have to vote for us to see what that speech was going to say.”
The White House was unavailable for comment.