BREAKING: Judge Issues Restraining Order

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BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images

In an unprecedented turn of events a federal court judge issued a temporary restraining order today against White House Senior Adviser Kellyanne Conway on behalf of plaintiffs representing the Executive Sofa.

Earlier today US Federal Judge Chamberlain Haller of Alabama ruled in favor of the United States Save Our Furniture Association on the grounds that Conway had violated Constitutional Provisions passed to protect the furniture in the Oval Office. The order, requiring Conway to stand at least three feet from all furniture in the Executive Office also forbids her from standing within 4 feet of the President Seal, stating “The possibility of the defendant tracking in mud, or worse yet, chewed gum, represents a grave concern to this court.” It further requires her to put on plastic booties before she enters, further declaring, “The careless disregard of this Administration to upholstery and carpeting has marked an alarming deviation from previous Administrations.”

At the heart of the decision was the little cited provision of the Constitution agreed upon by Nelly Conway Madison, mother of the James Madison, father of the Constitution, and Mary Ball Washington, mother of first president George Washington, during the opening days of the Philadelphia Convention. Though initially opposed to the measure, affectionately referred to as the “You Were Not Raised in a Barn Clause” by Constitutional Scholars, most historians agree that Madison and Washington initially opposed the measure leading to the “I raise you better than that debate” that almost prevented the passage of the Constitution. Passed unanimously by delegates, it states:

“The executive sofa shall be upholstered and placed in the office of the executive. Each individual shall show proper respect to the executive sofa, regarding it to be separate yet equal to the executive coffee table. In this manner feet shall not placed upon the executive sofa or the executive coffee table unless approved of by a majority of the full Senate and certified by the Supreme Court. Such offenses against the executive sofa or executive coffee table shall result in impeachment of the Executive as well as censure by the offender’s mother who did not raise them in a barn.”
US Constitution, Article 14, Section 2

“Since FDR first removed the plastic placed over the furniture despite protests from his mother, Sara Roosevelt, a Constitutional powder keg was waiting to go off,” stated a release from US S.O.F.A.. “Today we fought back and we won. This represents a great win for the Constitution and the American people saddled with the rising cost of cleaning bills.”

Representatives for the White House did not respond to calls for a response with reports that White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was taking a nap in the Oval Office.

The Ninth Circuit Court plans to hear the case later this week.

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